Fandom: Star Trek: XI
Warnings: A little bit of crack
Disclaimer: I do not own, and I wish this weren't so because I'd love to make Kirk/Spock canon!
A/N: This story is complete! It was inspired by fandom's love of the Spock-Cock. =P
Summary: Humans are so very fascinated by what Vulcan penises look like that they never consider Vulcan vaginas.
Jim considered his next move carefully, before deciding to go with the straightforward approach. As he moved a pawn two spaces ahead, he casually asked the question that had been brewing in his mind since he started dating Spock two months ago. “So, tell me—what exactly does your cock look like?”
Spock neatly evaded him, sliding the rook Jim had been aiming for to the side. “It is the standard size and color of a Vulcan penis.”
Jim groaned and scooted his knight out of the line of fire. “Come on, you’ve got to give me more than that. No one knows what a standard Vulcan penis looks like.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the desk-table-thing which came standard in every officer’s room on the Enterprise. “The rumors range from tentacles to double-ridged to detachable.”
“Vulcan penises are not detachable.” Spock averted his eyes and his queen.
Jim heard what Spock hadn’t said. “But they are double-ridged tentacles?” He pushed his king from one space to another, not caring where it ended up.
Spock contemplated his next move. “Humans are so very fascinated by what Vulcan penises look like that they never consider Vulcan vaginas.” He moved his bishop to rest directly in front of Jim’s rook.
Jim boggled at him. Spock never made such obvious moves. Jim jumped on the opening. “You do have penises, don’t you?”
Spock raised an eyebrow as Jim captured his bishop. “Certainly. They vary, however, based on our ethnic groups, just as Human penises do.” Spock captured Jim’s rook with a pawn. “I believe that in most Human ethic groups, the average vagina and the average penis correlate in terms of the depth-to-length ratio.”
“Sure.” Jim won Spock’s pawn with his own.
Spock ignored Jim’s mischievous moves and quickly snatched up Jim’s unprotected queen with his rook. “For Vulcans, vaginas and penises correlate in terms of shape, not size.”
“Huh?” Jim stared at the board. Spock had just left himself wide open. Jim used his queen to capture Spock’s last knight. “Two moves to checkmate.”
Spock quickly moved his king over one space. “In our most arid desert, the males of an ethnic group developed penises with two ridges to help push sperm past the folds of the females’ vaginas. In the northern half of the continent of N’Yan, women have vaginas that contort in different directions. This allows only the hardiest sperm to reach the egg. Men from this continent developed multiple, tentacle-like penises that curve into the depths of their females.”
“So it’s all a matter of evolution?” Jim moved his queen to the right. Spock’s last move had put his king out of reach, but Jim would get back to checkmate in a few more moves.
Spock slid a bishop past the queen, capturing a pawn. “Essentially, yes. All Vulcans can reproduce, regardless of vagina or penis configuration, but the most pleasure is received during the act of copulation when the two match. A Chirtich male with a pronged-penis and a Mehil female with a smooth-sided vagina would provide each other little pleasure, whereas a Loni male with his prehensile penis and a Loni female with her multiple internal clitorises would appreciate each other’s attributes.”
Jim picked up his knight and settled it near the king. “One move to check.” He fastened his gaze on Spock. “And how much pleasure would a Human ass and a half-Vulcan penis give each other?”
“I hypothesize that the pleasure is beyond anything that can be quantified in words.” Spock slipped a pawn Jim hadn’t noticed past Jim’s bishop. “Would you like to test my theory?”
Spock stood up and pushed in his chair. “Then I believe we should adjourn to your bedroom at this time.”
Jim looked between Spock and the board. Jim couldn’t believe he was about to do this but… sex could wait. Jim was about to win. He prodded his knight closer to the king. “Check.”
Spock leaned forward and captured Jim’s gaze with his own. “Checkmate.” He slid that lonely little pawn forward one space. “I win.”
Jim peered at the board. Try as he might, he couldn’t figure out a way to block Spock. He sighed and stood up. “Yeah, yeah, you win for the five hundredth time.” He twined his arms around Spock’s neck and pulled him into a kiss.
“I could not have won five hundred times. We have only played two hundred and fifteen games.” Spock began to efficiently strip Jim of his clothes.
Jim returned the favor, but paused at his underwear. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
Jim lowered the briefs. He took a deep breath, wondering which type of penis he would see. He glanced down and couldn’t help but grin. “Oh, I think we both win this time.”