I have determined that one of the first things I lose the will to do when I am depressed is write. Which makes very little sense because when I write I am able to escape the situation I am in and relax. I think it is due to the amount of brain power that writing requires.
Anyway, due to work stress and two deaths in my family this year, I have struggled with severe depression and anxiety since last July. I am finally coming out of my fog, thanks to a fantastic counselor and anti-depressants (though I'm still trying to find the perfect fit... currently, I'm less depressed, but struggling with side effects).
I've been working steadily on my latest book (Succubus), but have been really struggling with the last three chapters. For me, endings are the HARDEST part of a story to write... I seem to make it about 3/4 of the way through a story, and then suddenly, I hit a wall. The chapters are drafted, but I haven't editted them enough to be happy with them yet.
Hopefully I will be able to publish soon. Canceling the pre-order for Succubus upset me more than my readers would probably guess, but I feel guilty putting imperfect work out in the world and asking people to pay for it! Seems to me, if you're spending good money for my work, I should be giving you good work in return. ;)
To those on my flist struggling with anxiety and depression, please take the time to find a good doctor and a good counselor. Both are worth their weight in gold! (And cost nearly that much, but that's another story...) Struggling through mental issues helps no one. Be strong, but ask for help!
Unfortunately, I had to cancel preorders for my book SUCCUBUS... it is very, very close to being ready, but I do not feel comfortable asking people to pay for a book that I don't feel is at its strongest yet. I will get SUCCUBUS out before Christmas for sure, but due to an unexpected death in the family, I just wasn't able to have it ready in time to make my pre-order deadline (which was put in place before the family death).
Stay tuned to my blog for updates about SUCCUBUS, or email me at email@example.com and let me know you want updates and I will email you the minute I upload the book for sale!
I'm so sorry about this guys... I just couldn't ask you to pay for something that isn't great yet!
Oi! I finally finished a sex scene in my novel The Bet... a novel that I started nearly 2 years ago.
Actually, the story was planned as a Harry Potter NextGen fanfic 4 years ago. 3 years ago I revamped the storyline into an AU Star Trek fanfic. Then 2 years ago I revamped it to the original fiction story it is today.
Maybe that's why it's been so hard for me to write it! I've never had so much writer's block on a story before. When I sit down to write it, it takes me an hour to write 250 words. For reference, I can easily write 1,000 words in 45 minutes most of the time. I think it's because this is the first novella I am attempting to write as original fic from start to finish. My published novella The Broken started as a fanfic that I altered into original fic. Granted, I altered it a LOT, and cut out/polished some sub-plots, so it's quite different, but I used about 50% of the original words, meaning I started with it 50% done!
However, The Bet has been a struggle from start to finish. The good news though is that I struggled through a sex scene that I had literally been putting off for almost 2 years! I typically skip sex scenes when I write, adding a note to the manuscript like ADD SEX HERE and then continuing writing. This is because sex scenes always take me forever to write!
Sometimes this doesn't work as I am a very chronological writer--I cannot skip around when I am writing (except for sex scenes) or I get writer's block until I go back and write what I skipped. For some reason, I think this sex scene had that effect on me, and now that I've gone back and written it, I'm hoping the rest of the story will flow nicely!
I would LOVE to get this novella written and published before 2014... 4 years of it percolating in my head is more than enough! Cross your fingers for me!
So, it's been a while since I posted. Things have been going pretty well in my life--I'm doing VERY well at my new job as a teacher and getting tons of compliments! (My vice principal told me she's never seen a first year teacher do this well and the behavior specialist, herself a veteran teacher of around 20 years, said in front of a whole group of people that I'm "as good a teacher as a 20-year veteran"!)
However, being good at my job means not having ANY time or brainpower for writing. I haven't even been reading fanfiction or my flist. Mostly I work from 7AM till 4 or 5PM (I'm allowed to go home at 2:30PM, but I never leave at that time, lol), come home, cook dinner, eat, watch some television, and crash. On the weekends, I sleep, do laundry, and spend time with the family.
But that's what the life of most first year teachers looks like. I've already started streamlining things in my life, so hopefully by by second year as a teacher I'll be able to have a social life! If not, at least I get the summers off. =P
Unfortunately, this holiday season has been difficult. My uncle, who I barely knew, died the Friday before Christmas, and my grandmother, who I wasn't particularly close to, died New Year's Day, both on my father's side. I'm sad, but not distraught. Mostly I feel horrible for my dad, who had to deal with both of these sudden deaths so close to each other.
Still, life must go on. I'm trying to look at the new year positively. I have a single resolution this year: lose weight. I'm terribly unhealthy at the moment, and feeling much older than my years, so I just want to get down to a healthier weight. My ultimate goal is to fit into my Senior Prom dress again. I felt fit and healthy in high school, though I was still technically overweight, and I'll be happy to get back to that point.
My hopes, though I wouldn't call them resolutions, are to finish THE BET, write some Young Adult books that have been begging to be written for 5 years now (seriously, I have the notes I took 5 years ago when I started to outline the plot!) and for which I already have the cover art (painted by a fabulously talented friend), and to just enjoy life. I'm done with school, settling into my dream career, and hoping to move into my own apartment next fall. I'm hoping 2013 will be a great year for me!
And I'm hoping it will be a great year for all of you too! Happy New Year everyone! ♥
So, in my attempts to finish THE BET by tomorrow, I did get quite a bit written/edited. The cover is finalized, the summary/cover copy is ready, and all I need to do is finish the book and edit. The editing won't take long, as I've spent quite a bit of time editing and re-editing the chapters I've already written. What is taking me so long is dealing with the big reveal.
I'm not used to the way men think. For whatever reason, I'm having a lot of trouble portraying Adam and Jason without making them come across as melodramatic. I've rewritten parts of the reveal about five times now, and I just can't get it right.
The truth is, I was never happy with THE BROKEN, my other novel, but I decided to go ahead and publish it and just move on. I don't want to do that with THE BET. I want to do a good job on it, so that I can be proud of it.
I'm going to keep working on THE BET. But I'm not going to put a timeline on it. It will be ready when it is good, and it won't be good if I rush.
In better news, part of the reason I haven't finished THE BET is that I haven't had time. I got a new job as a part-time teacher (yay!) and I've also been hired to edit a novel (yay!), so I'm thankfully stabilizing money-wise.
Now I just need to find a way to get my health more stable. I've been so tired lately, I have to sleep for 10+ hours just to feel normal. I have near constant headaches, and I'm often overcome with dizzy spells or nausea. Between the new job and feeling ill, my free time in which I can write is minimal. Sigh. Why does real life hate me? Maybe I'm just not supposed to finish this book! =P